i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
