Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize