He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
