swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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