just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
