Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
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You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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