I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it