My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
