the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
