How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
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Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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