I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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