i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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