It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
