At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
