my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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