I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
