The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
