a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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