it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
they need to just BURY HIM!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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