either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
