Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
