Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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