apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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