Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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