And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
