Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
