guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
