All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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