Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
