# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
