Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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