I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
