You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
