Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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