I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize