She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
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"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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