I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Randomize
