And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
