My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
