Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
