Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
