I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
