Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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