I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
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I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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