I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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