My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Randomize
