Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
