Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
