If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
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No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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