Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
