I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In other news, I just burned my penis
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
