Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
