Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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