i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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