fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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