no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.