I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
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College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.