My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.