i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
